1) Resume Writing — OH MY GOD. This is what I was attempting when I threw in the towel and decided to blog.
I met a lovely woman at a function this past Friday. We struck up an easy conversation, and a mutual friend wandered over and said, “Viv, tell Caroline about your editing business!” (the one I don’t really have, but for some reason people in my life see me as more successful than I am at everything. This could be a good thing, but right now it’s just not…) Me: “Well, I do a bit of freelance editing for a friend…mostly creative stuff, ideas, character development, plot adjustments…seriously, it’s not anything. It’s so minuscule it’s not even worth mentioning…tell me about you…” So this lovely person proceeds. She went into entirely too much detail about her novel, which, after hearing about it for nearly an hour, actually sparked my interest. I agreed to have a look.
She went on to say that she overheard that I was looking for a job and that she might have a part/full-time something in her department at the local university. Then she uttered those dreaded words, “Here’s my card. Shoot me your resume and we’ll talk.”
Well, shit. The job sounds exactly like what I’m looking for in terms of hours, and I fully believe I’d be good at it, but A) I don’t have an updated resume, and B) GAPS, GAPS, and more GAPS. Ugh. I haven’t had a full-time job since 2005, though I’ve done plenty of work. I just don’t know how to make it look like I’m anything but a big flipping flake. I’m not, but my work experience over the past ten years has been varied and the fact that I obviously made enough of an impression on this person for her to ask for a resume feels irrelevant now.
So I’m crying into my wine and internally screaming “FAILURE…!!!!!!!”
2) Looking at one’s ass in the mirror while climbing into the bathtub — just don’t. There’s really no need for an explanation here. JUST. DON’T.
3) Talking to friends who are WAY more occupationally successful — I’m thrilled that my friend had a good conference in DC. I’m truly happy for her. I want good things for my friends, but this particular friend furthered her education while i was cleaning up family shit and feeling like a Master’s or Ph.D were not options. I’m regretting my decisions now, and frankly don’t feel like I have another degree in me at this stage. We chatted on the phone earlier today, and finally she asked if everything was okay because I seemed quiet. Oh no. I’m fine. Just feeling like the biggest failure on the planet and realizing that I botched up my career years ago. But really, I’m great. Tell me more about your conference.
For what it’s worth, I’m not really depressed. I’m simply down and feeling discouraged. Gil and I are struggling. I haven’t been blogging because I need sleep. Marriage is sucking the life out of me. Parenting is also hard these days. Wallace is going through a moody phase, and we’re having a gamut of tests run on Piers — ruling out medical/physiological problems before we move on to psychological/behavioral ones. I’m tired, y’all. I need something to be easy, and right now nothing is. Naturally I feel whiney and not worthy of complaining. Things could be SO much worse, and I’m a big believer in recognizing what’s going well and focusing on gratitude. That’s just been harder than usual of late.
Updating my resume was just the straw that broke the camel’s back (and yes, I’m resorting to overused cliches).
Do any of you have experience with this? Making one’s resume look good after large, unemployed gaps?
I had to take a break with the resume tonight. I was getting so down on myself. I’m good. I’m smart. I’m hardworking. And I’m not just saying that. I’ve run a small business. I’ve sold building materials. I was a nutritional consultant. I was an international flight attendant. I have multiple degrees. I’ve tutored young kids and helped them learn to talk and read. I teach toddlers, youth and adults regularly at my church; I coordinate childcare and hire employees. I volunteer at our local food bank and soup kitchen. I’ve done payroll, customer service, collections. I’ve been hired to write resumes, for goodness sakes, what is with me??!! I also edit. I just haven’t had to sell myself in a very long time. I have to do that now, and I need to actually believe in myself first. Okay, enough griping. Tomorrow is a new day. I need some sleep. Thanks for listening, friends!