Where Did the Past TWO Months Go?

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I want to tell you everything’s okay…that I’m fine and all that.

And while that wouldn’t be a flat-out lie, it’s far from the entire truth.

I wish I could take a vacation from life.

I want all the hard mommy duties to go away. Fuck meal prep and the revolving door that is the clean-up of our kitchen — emphasis on OUR even though I seem to be the only one who gives two shits whether it’s clean or not.

The drudgery of parenting is wearing me down in a way it hasn’t in a long time.

I also feel more unappreciated than I have…probably ever. I’m in this space of incessant nagging — ‘Put your clothes in the hamper, brush your teeth, go back and brush better, go to bed, lights out, NOW.’

No one seems to like the food I prepare these days, which makes me want screech  — “Well feed yourself, damn it! That’ll be one less thing I have to do and we all know I loathe cooking anyway.”

Enough with the flipping complaints. My gosh, children.

I need space from people.

This neighborhood dwelling is making me a bit claustrophobic and I just want a break from all of it.

I always have a touch of what one might call depression in the spring. Usually, I chalk it up to the anniversary of my dad’s death…and maybe that IS what it is…but I’m not sure.

The boys and I spent several days at my mom’s in March. That was probably the beginning of this blueness. She and I argued over what some might deem petty. You would think that now that I’m forty, I could accept that my mother and I are vastly different. Why is it still so hard?

This visit felt especially difficult.

Our friends, Ani and Zip and their two girls came to visit in late March. We were all looking forward to that…and then Ani came down with the flu while they were here.

I’d love to say – ‘Oh, it wasn’t so bad…at least we got to see them.’

But that’s not the space I’m in — I don’t have the energy to make lemons out of lemonade. I can’t flip the narrative and make myself the hero of my own story.

I’m still in the wallowing stage.

I’m annoyed as hell. Something I needed and was very much looking forward to, ended up a giant shit-sandwich. I feel robbed. Cheated. Gyped — though I just learned this term has been met with disdain by the gypsy population, so please know, I mean no harm. I’m a bit of a gypsy myself. And a word nerd — acquiring this new knowledge gave me a much needed mini buzz. Thanks, Webster.

Things feel lonely and hard these days. I think that’s the main cause of my marked sadness. I miss friends and activities that feed my soul.

I love Savannah, but since we moved here, the focus has had to be on my kids and helping them get adjusted. There’s an emptiness inside of me that’s thankfully pretty unfamiliar. I can’t seem to break out of my sadness. All the usual tricks aren’t working.

Friendships at this stage of life aren’t that easy to attain. This feels especially true as a mom. I used to go away with a group of girlfriends once a year, but everyone is ruled by their kids’ schedules, so for the past three years it hasn’t happened. This is another reason hanging out with Ani has always worked. Our kids and husbands have always played well together. This visit, though, since she was so sick, I kind of got stuck wrangling four high-energy children while Gil and Zip did their own thing. It was far from restful and recharging.

I need recharging in a major way.

And…the icing on the cake was that a week after they left…Piers came down with the flu. A five to seven day illness, the pediatrician said. Then four to five days later — just the amount of time to make you think you’re out of the woods and that the rest of you have been spared — Wallace got sick. He’s been fever free for a full day now. Gil has managed to stay well — likely because he’s stayed away. I’ve had that rundown, I’m-about-to-get-sick feeling for days, but other than a big nasty cold sore, I’m okay.

Just cranky as hell — in case you failed to notice.

So there you go, my friends. How’s that for an update?

There HAVE been some positives over the past two months. I’m in the mood to write, so I’ll share the good in future posts.

Do you get sad in the spring? I hear it’s a thing. Tell me about it. Maybe I’ll feel less alone.

 

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17 thoughts on “Where Did the Past TWO Months Go?

  1. It comes and goes, the nature of cyclothymia. Up, down, rage, tears, confusion, lucidity, I never know from one day to the next except I am learning what to expect of my moods. Mostly i notice depression and confusion and rage. My daughter started a garden, which is almost as beautiful as she is. But I still feel depression. I used to think it was just because life happens in waves, but now I’m not sure. Why wouldn’t I get a lift in springtime? Why wouldn’t I get a lift in fall? So I ride the wave, the crises come and make it worse, or feel like triggers, and I find I’m not really enjoying any of this except the way my kids sometimes act. And Wednesday last week I wasn’t enjoying anything the family did. I broke routine to spend more time with everyone and regretted it. I find beauty in other peoples writing but I don’t always comment and sometimes wordpress messes up and I can’t even like the post to even show I appreciate it, and sometimes I have too much and too little time. I’m sorry for that.

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    • Your response was quite interesting. I relate to so much of what you said. I used to view my moods/depression as extremely negative and something I felt needed fixing. I feel I typically don’t do that anymore and am more accepting of the up and down emotions that surface throughout the day. I mean meds keep me much more level — I certainly don’t mean to suggest that bam…I just got wise with age, but then it’s even more perplexing when I’m knocked off my game by something like a disagreement with my mom or a friend or whatever. As far as what you mentioned about your not feeling lifted by something as beautiful as your daughter’s garden, I get that. Maybe it’s very individual and different things move us. My son was planting sunflowers the other day — a take home school project — and all I could see was the mess and hassle and knowing we (his dad and I) were gonna screw it up. I didn’t feel ‘nothing’; I felt annoyed and kind of rage-y that I was having to deal with it. My feelings were amplified and not in a good way. For the moment I felt like a pathetic shit. I mean, what kind of horrible person must I be to feel misery over something as seemingly delightful as a kid planting sunflowers? But I kind of allowed my feelings and then they passed. Then later that evening my son was reading in his room before bedtime. I went in to tell him it was time to turn the lights out and found him writing. I asked what he was doing and he said he wanted to try to put the day into words “like you do, Mom.” He went on to say that he couldn’t believe how much better his handwriting was and how happy that made him because now he could write stories in his notebook almost as fast as the thoughts and ideas came into his head. I was blown away and completely moved. THAT brought me joy. THAT lifted me and made my heart sing. I was elated. Sunflowers — meh. I guess what I’m getting at is that maybe we writiers/creatives are a rare breed.

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      • Damn, didn’t finish. I also go through phases where I feel everything so intensely for a spell and it’s all too much. Then comes the shutting down and feeling almost nothing at all. Like I almost need that flat spell to recoup from my previous intensity. Well, obviously your comment made me think. Thank you! Happy Sunday to you.

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  2. You are on my prayer list. BTW, When I feel stressed and exhausted, I pull up gregorian chant on youtube and just have it playing in the background. Something about it sets all things right for a time. It’s so calming and peaceful.

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  3. Okay, I’m back. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like this, & I hope you’ve begun to recharge and feel less cranky, honey! I see you have posted since you wrote this one, so I’ll run over there and see the latest. XoXo

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    • I’m definitely better. I plan to write about the past few weeks. It involves Donald Trump…and being the recipient of some thoughtless unfriending. But hey, I’m already overdue for a follow-up post on social media. This incident will make for a spectacular example. I hope to catch up with you via your writing very soon, dear one. 🙂

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      • I’M SO GLAD you’re doing better. Hallelujah! And THANKS for checking out allll those posts, you brave soul! So glad you’re back writing! I’ll be devouring your latest post this weekend! XOXO

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    • Thank you for sharing this. I definitely think there’s a seasonal component — I guess I just thought since the weather is actually substantially better and sunnier where I live this time of year that it couldn’t be all that — but then again — perhaps it could be. I’ve made an effort to get out more this week and I’ve taken a slower approach to life. I’m feeling a lot better. I definitely feel more recharged.

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  4. Oh my God, girl. I WILL return to write more, but forgive me. Avonlea had walking pnemonia the past week & that made me more out-of-it than usual with my routines! I’m amazed that the rest of us didn’t get it….anyway, I just wanted to drop a quick line to let you know I’m thinking of you, honey. (((((hugs))))))!!!!!

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  5. Sending you hugs (and some vitamin b6 for a mood boost). I know exactly where you are, the kids and I all had flu over the Easter hols, and we’ve had builders in for a month. If it wasn’t for my SSRI meds I would have gone loopy by now. As it is I’m drained of all give-a-f*ck. Hang in there. And make sure you dump the kids with your other half and go have some time for you! You more than deserve it. Xxx

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    • “I am drained of all give-a-f*ck.” THAT is exactly where I am. And seriously, I look at my mood and think — dear god, where would I be UNmedicated? Thanks for the kind words! And man…I feel your pain with the month of builders. I think you’re doing remarkably well if they’ve been there a MONTH! Yikes.

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  6. i suppose living most of my life with some form of depression, bipolar or otherwise, i have a preference for the dark rainy (snowy) days of winters, which justified staying indoors or if going out, to go to places like cafes, when spring rolls around (and summer on its heels) there is so much social pressure to go out and enjoy the weather. “it’s such a beautiful day, it’s a shame to be cooped up inside” etc etc. If I was in a particularly agitated mood I would reply “I don’t like the sun, or this warm (hot) weather.” this usually left people stammering as to how to respond. Even now, as I have “gotten better” and have my mood disorders more stabilized, I don’t particularly have this state of elation when I open the curtains to see what they call a “beautiful day.”

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    • This is such an interesting and insightful perspective. Thank you for sharing it! I definitely see this trait in myself. It’s like on rainy days, I have a valid excuse for hibernating. I actually like good weather, but there are times I’d prefer to enjoy it in solitude. Hmm. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

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