Thank You, Decoding Bipolar

I always have a difficult time accepting awards. I think it’s my anxiety. I would rather hide. I also struggle with following rules, so there’s that. Still, I am ALWAYS appreciative of my fellow bloggers who take the time to recognize my blog.

First up, Decoding Bipolar nominated me for the Black Cat Blue Sea Award.

I always enjoy posts from this amazing writer and if you haven’t visited her site, I encourage you to check it out. It’s well-written, informative, with a good mix of researched information along with personal experience.

Decoding Bipolar posed the following questions for her nominees:

 

1. Name a character you identify with, and explain why. It can be from a book, film, TV, etc.

 

I find myself relating to characters who are tirelessly working to figure out life. I’ve been watching the third season of Transparent, and I see a lot of myself in the youngest sibling, Ali Pfefferman. There’s a lot of drive and a lot of pain. Ali is a grad student this season — Women’s and Gender Studies — which is what I studied in college; I even took a couple of graduate courses in the field. I see Ali wrestling with a lot of what I did learning about certain topics for the first time. I also relate to her loyalty towards her troubled family and her search for something greater than herself.

I happened onto the pilot of Ally McBeal yesterday and was reminded of how much I identified with Ally when I was in my twenties, struggling to balance a career and my love life. I still relate to Ally’s quirkiness and the way she strives to hold it together on the outside, often while falling apart on the inside.

Hmmm, that’s two characters — same name, different spellings. Is that a sign?

 

2. Why did you create your blog? What do you hope to accomplish?

I initially created my blog because writing is extremely therapeutic for me and I needed a safe space to share the overwhelming grief I was feeling after my dad’s death — grief that I thought I had dealt with but that came back strong after my father-in-law’s sudden death in 2010. Now, I write a little of everything and my blog is not solely about grief. It’s about life.

I hope to share my story, connect with other writers and possibly speak of my experience in a way that inspires and encourages others. I’m not especially goal-oriented at Grief Happens and can’t say I have any concrete outcomes that I hope to accomplish. I mostly write when I’m moved to do so, and the subjects vary depending on what I have going in my day-to-day. I need a space like this and I’m grateful that the contents in my head come out in a way that speak to others.

3. You are given a time machine that can be used once (round trip). What would you do with it?

I would go back to the red bungalow in South West Georgia just after my parents brought me home from the hospital. I would observe the first three months of my life with the hopes of gaining a better understanding of that time. My mother has shared a lot of her severe anxiety and depression with me, but I have always felt there is more to the story. Attachment theory has always interested me, and every time I studied it in college I had this overwhelming sense that a big reason my mom and I have such a challenging relationship is partly because I never developed a healthy attachment with her as my primary caregiver early on. I have a lot of anxious/avoidant tendencies, meaning I long for closeness but can’t exactly receive it even when she offers. Being around my mother is extremely anxiety producing for me, but I continue to go to her expecting to feel differently only to feel let down.

There are so many mysteries and secrets in my family that I’d like to unearth. I think that could be very healing.

I’m going to pass on nominating other blogs this time. I haven’t spent as much time as I like reading blogs lately, and the ones that immediately pop in my head don’t typically accept awards. I promise to spread the love in the future and will continue to highlight blogs that speak to me.

I do encourage you to check out Decoding Bipolar as well as her other site Accepting ADHD.

Thanks again for the nomination!

 

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10 thoughts on “Thank You, Decoding Bipolar

  1. He’s very fascinating answers I think it’s a sign that you relate to two characters with the same sounding name! I was especially interested in your answer to the time machine. I wasn’t expecting that kind of answer and I thought it was so unique…

    Liked by 1 person

    • See, that to me is telling right there — blaming you as the baby for not wanting her. My mom used to say the same thing (we have since stopped discussing our issues because it was truly crazy-making for me). I have worked hard to overcome a lifetime of feeling unloved by my mother. She tells me she loves me, but her actions and coldness tell a different story. It’s hard. My mom has come a long way — I have to give her that, and I’ve had to understand that she did the best she could. I’m sorry you relate to this. Everyone deserves a healthy emotional start.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I still struggle with the feeling of being unlovable. My husband has worked hard to show me I am worthy of love an it helps, but nothing can replace a mother’s love. Thank you or sharing. I know it couldn’t have been easy. It was hard for me just replying to your post.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Yes. I just remember sitting in my developmental psych classes utterly fascinated. I’ve done a lot of healing work in this department that has helped me accept my relationship with my mother. We’re very different, but I do feel like now we’re able to be together now in the present since I’ve made peace with a lot of the past. Attachment theory is an interesting area of psychology that I’d recommend to anyone with mother issues.

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      • Yes, I have studied it and it makes so much sense. I am having a similar experience with my own Mum lately. I see how mothers pass on wounds not deliberately. My Mums generation did not have the gift of the knowledge and understanding we have now. So we are healing their wounds onward in time, that is what I see and understand now.

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